Shadow of doubt
by olga.travchuk
Summary: Why Bobby panicked over Athena's offer to live together? And why they eventually decide that he'll make it after the wedding? Takes place in season 2, ep.10.


**A/N: I'm not native speaker and I have no beta, so sorry for my lousy language. I don't own anything of "9-1-1", besides my mistakes. The reason why I wrote that - is because there are too little fanfics about "Bathena" and I love this couple so very much. And the second reason is that I wanted to fill the gap in between Bobby&Hen's conversation (where we see, that Bobby doesn't seem to look happy about Athena's offer to move in) and his proposal. His proposal made me very happy, but still I couldn't understand from the show, why he panicked to move in, if he was that much in love and ready to marry Athena? That had no logic to me, so I've decided to fill this gap and offer my own vision of it. **

**Dialogs, which had place on the show, marked by Italic.**

**If you hate it and think it's too bad – don't waste your time, just pass by, I'm not here for pleasing anybody besides myself))**

"_Bobby, you guys deserve to be happy. It would be great if that was together, but if it's not, if you don't see a future with her, you can't pretend that you do. She's had enough of that. You have to just tell her the truth."_

"_Well, the truth is that I felt panic."- confessed Bobby._

"_Well, maybe that's your answer." – said Henrietta._

Bobby stared at her for couple of seconds, thinking about her words. Does he see his future with Athena? Or doesn't he? Suddenly he imagined a life without Athena and felt his heart got bound with an icy darkness. Nowhere to come home to, nobody to worry about, nobody to kiss, to sleep with, to have dinners... Only emptiness and coldness. Does he really want such kind of life? Is it that future he wants? NO. That's absurd! How Hen could even assume, that he doesn't see a future with Athena?!

"No, Hen, I've panicked not because I don't see a future with her and her kids. I'm just… scared to spoil it all. What if she'll find out that I'm uncomfortable to live with? What if I'll irritate her? What if kids would hate my being in their house? What if it all simply won't work out?" Bobby sounded anxious and distressed.

"There is always a possibility that it won't work. But what if it will? And you wouldn't even try? Fear is a mind killer, Bobby, don't let it ruin your life. Are you ready to stop seeing Athena right now?" – replied Henrietta.

"No… I want to see her, I always do… I just... Her parents still don't even know we are together. What if they won't support this decision?" said Bobby as he rested his head on his hands and looked up at her. Hen couldn't help but smile softly, he was ridiculous.

"Oh, c'mon, forget it! You both are in the age of parents of pretty grown up children. Their opinion won't change anything. What else are you afraid of?" she said unable to hide her genuine surprise.

After a long pause, Bobby said:

"When she was reluctant to confess our relationship to the world, I got used to the idea of taking things really slowly, so she'd be comfortable with the changes. And now she caught me completely by surprise. I used to think she doesn't want to be THAT close with me in the near future... I'm afraid that she will fed-up of me very soon if I'd move in... And I'll get too attached to her and kids and... if she'll ever want me to leave, I just won't survive through this.. Now, when I live separately, it feels safer I guess… I'm still staying pretty new and exciting to her... but that will change really quickly if she'll start to see my dirty laundry every day and if I'll just stick around constantly..."

"Athena is not like that. She was able to live 15 years together with one man, remember? And she'd live with him the rest of her life, if he wouldn't come out as a gay."

"Maybe she still loves him?" Bobby said glancing at Hen as he tried to keep his attention on his hands.

"Oh stop that! Of course, she loves him as the father of her kids, she always will. You'll always love your deceased wife and children, will you? What's the difference? But still you love Athena, right?"

"Yes, of course… It all just got so damn complicated when it comes to actually living together…" Bobby said unable to hide his worry as he continued to rub his ear.

"But earlier you insisted that you see it all simple. It was you, who wanted to go out as a couple, to tell the world that you and Athena are together, you said it's serious for you… Couples go out together, yes, but couples also live together and maybe even get married one day." Hen stated matter-of-factly.

"Yeah, you're right…"

"Did you ever talk to Athena about all this?" asked Hen as her expression softened.

Bobby paused for a moment.

"No... I didn't want to invade her mind with all those doubts of mine..."

"It's okay, she'd only understand you better, believe me. She also had her doubts when you argued about telling us that you're dating, remember?" Hen was relieved that Bobby could be honest with her about such a personal matter.

"Yes, but she overcame it... And now I'm suddenly the one who slows down... "

"I can talk to her on your behalf if you want me to..." offered Hen.

"Is it a right thing to do? Shouldn't I do it by myself personally?"

"Yes, of course, you should. But it's obvious that you're not ready yet. And she'd better know what's going on in your mind from me, than jump to wrong conclusions that you don't want to be with her… What do you say? Do you love her? Is she important to you, Bobby?"

Bobby looked at Henrietta glaring at him and paused for a moment as he tried to build up the courage to confess to her wholeheartedly.

"Oh you have no idea how much she means for me... Every time I think about her, I have goosebumps over my spine… If I'd lose her, I don't know any more reasons to live…"

"Okay, that's enough for me to know. Now, go to your place and have a rest until the Christmas Eve." Hen suggested.

"Yeah, I will. Thank you, Hen. I felt so lost. Don't know what I'd do without you..." Bobby said as the smile returned to his face.

"You're welcome, sir." – smiled Henrietta.

Athena felt better about whole situation after her conversation with Michael. She couldn't deny that indeed it was new for Bobby to live as a person who has nothing to hide anymore. She understood that he was scared of something, but she didn't know what it is exactly. Wishing to not thinking of worse, she tried to avoid ideas about Bobby freaked out of responsibility and considered her family as a burden. But deep in her heart she had a bitter sense of abandonment and undesirability. He wasn't happy about her offer right at once. That has to mean something. And whatever it means, Athena couldn't find explanation, which wouldn't hurt her. Whatever it means – he did not plan to move in with her. She was upset more, than she wanted to admit it to the world.

Henrietta has noticed Athena's bad mood right when she saw her sitting in their favorite cafe for chit chat. They agreed to meet up before Christmas to exchange the news and to discuss a Christmas party, which Athena was planning this year at her house. She was thoughtfully stirring her coffee with a spoon when Henrietta waved her hello and started to make her way to their table.

"Hey girl, you look so sad, what's happened?" – asked Henrietta being fully aware about the reason of her best friend heart sore.

"Hey, hi Hen. Nothing really meaningful, everything is fine more or less... I just acted stupid towards Bobby couple of days ago…" Athena smiled and cleared her throat.

"Oh... What did you do?" Hen blurted as she settled to the table and put her hand on Athena's shoulder.

"I offered him to move in with me and he freaked out. He only said "Wow" and looked completely shocked like if I'd offer him to move in to planet Mars or something. I thought he will be happy and run to pack his stuff immediately… He was so persistent to let the world know that we are dating… I thought I would please him…" Athena sounded confused.

"Well, maybe that's a reason of his shock, don't you think? You weren't a fan of idea to open up about your relationship and he got used to keep it as private as possible for your sake… Maybe he thought it will take you forever to come even nearly to the point of living together with him... Maybe he just didn't expect it right now?" Hen gently patted Athena on the shoulder.

Athena took a large gulp of coffee before answering.

"He almost said the same... That I took him by surprise... But let's face it, Hen, if you love someone and you want to be with that person, and she offers you living together – wouldn't you get plain happy at once?"

"Of course, you may get happy at once, if you're self-confident enough, if you have no fear to disappoint this person. What you really did wrong in the past - is telling him you're ashamed of him. It was his sore spot…" Hen replied casually.

"Gosh, I apologized for it! You know that!" Athena smacked Hen on the arm.

"Yes, of course you did, but words tend to stick inside our minds sometimes, and maybe he felt that you don't want him fully, because deep in your heart you're ashamed of him? You're okay to spend some spare time and nights together, to date, to go out, but how was he suppose to guess, that you've reached the point to live together, after he almost forced you to admit that you were dating?" said Hen with a grin.

"Hey, you'd better ask how was I supposed to guess, that he would take a step backward after I'll give him I thought he wanted?" Athena was filled to the brim with nervous energy.

"Oh, calm down, darling, I don't mean to blame you, no way! I'm just trying to explain you that Bobby doesn't consider himself as a gift. He really is still ashamed and feels guilty about his past, and he's scared to pieces, that you'll get fed-up of him too soon, and kick him out of your house and he won't be able to cope with that..." said Henrietta softly.

"Really?! Does he really think I'm able to act like such a bitch? Did he tell you this?" Athena was clearly very stressed and teetering on the edge.

"Ehm... Sort of... Not in the same words, but he's afraid to disappoint you and kids, yes. Try to understand his point."

"When did he tell you this? Did he ask your advice of what to do? When did you have that conversation? Why didn't you call and tell me right away?" Athena asked frantically agitated.

"Why didn't YOU call me and tell you're dating my boss back then, huh?" – laughed Henrietta. – "Even if you had a one-night stand or fling or whatever, you were not going to tell me!"

"That's not truth, Hen, I just was... embarrassed at those times. I fell in love so quickly; I didn't want you to think I'm a whore or stupid like a teenager… That's why I didn't tell you. Why didn't YOU tell me about conversation with my boyfriend?"

"Because it wasn't planned. I was going to go home, said him goodbye after our shift was finished, and I saw he doesn't know where to go. I asked him what is it in his mind, and he confessed that he got panicked, when you offered him to move in. He's too afraid of spoiling it all, that you've built during these months. So he'd better just stay like now forever and not change anything. That's what his panic was all about." Henrietta said as she held her hand out for Athena to take.

"I thought he just doesn't want to live with me… It was so painful. Like if he doesn't take me seriously and is okay to only spend some time…" Athena let out a desperate sigh.

"You know it always was serious for him, he never considered you as a fling…" answered Hen gently.

"Yes, but I can't help it, I feel unwanted..." Athena said as her voice broke.

"Oh c'mon, Athena, the guy can't imagine his life without you, don't be silly. He needs you. Just give him some time to overcome his fears." Hen rubbed her hand up and down Athena's arm.

"I wanted to make a Christmas party for all your division and my family. Do you think he'll come by?" Athena asked sheepishly.

"Of course, he will! Do you think its fun for him to celebrate Christmas alone?" Hen queried.

"Well, maybe he met some other woman, you know…"

"Athena, stop being ridiculous! He was alone since I knew him all these years. He never was interested in casual sex. And he started to smile only after you two began dating. You never notice his glances at you, but he never ever watch at anybody this way. He loves you. Of that I don't have any doubts." Hen replied with an air of annoyance.

"Okay, thank you, friend, I hope you're right." Athena bit her bottom lip as she nervously broached the subject currently occupying her mind.

They sat chatting about nothing for a while, until it got late and both hurried up home to kids.

It was a relief for Athena to know, that Henrietta is so convinced in Bobby's love to her. All that Hen said about Bobby's possible fears make sense quite a lot. Maybe she really has to give him a time and not to push, especially because it was some part of her own fault in all this. But she missed him so badly and even more, when she realized he won't show up until he'd make a final decision. Okay, she will wait, she decided. She will wait as long as he needs to. But what if he won't handle his doubts? What if living together scares him more, than he wishes to be with her? She tried to get rid of these thoughts, but when they caught her from time to time, she felt ready to scream and cry. She did already invest all emotions in relationship with Bobby. It was far too late to take a step back. And thinking that it might end without even happening in a full strength, drove her mad and hurt as hell. They were so happy together for the last months. She didn't want to imagine a life without him coming to her by the evenings. She just couldn't sleep alone again, she wanted him so badly. Lonely nights tortured her with the cold sheets of her bed. All she could think about was if Bobby is sleeping now or he's also thinking about her, about _them_.

Actually, Bobby didn't sleep well either. He constantly rolled a conversation he had with Henrietta inside his mind. He thought about how his life changed when he saw Athena with different eyes, when she tried to comfort him after he broke down watching victim's body severed in two. He didn't remember being happier in his life than now, with her. They seem to be created for one another. She was so beautiful. He constantly reminded her face, her eyes and her lips in different situation they were gone through together. And she was hell of a badass: he loved her pride, her sense of humor, her directness and courage, her hot temper and passionate attitude to all that she was doing. He was so in love with her, if she only could imagine it… Does he see his future with her? Oh men, if he sees the future at all, it was impossible without Athena in it. Does he imagine himself living together with her? He could only dream about it for long months. And now, when his dream was about to come true, he got scared to death to ruin it all, like he ruined the happiness of his family once. He didn't want Athena to see his dark sides. He couldn't risk her well-being just to satisfy his own need to be as close to her as possible. But it was so damn tempting. She was his everything: his sun, his joy, his smile, and his hopes. If she is ready to have him beside her, why can't he just grab that chance?

He remembered Hen's words that only uncertainty scares, that it's hard to trust keys from your heart and happiness to other person and idea come up at once in his mind. Now he knew which gift he'll buy Athena for Christmas. It will be symbolic keys from his heart. And maybe they would be not enough. He will not just cohabitate with her. He'd like to take all responsibility for her and her kids as a partner, as a husband. Hell, he'd want to marry her.

He didn't think this idea to its end, because the picture of his burned family showed up in his mind. What if he'll screw up this time too? He lost his wife and kids once, is he already able not to double his guilt? Or maybe if he'll make Athena and her kids happy, it would be a chance to atone for his past mistakes… It's better to think this way; his sponsor would certainly say that. Bobby stood up and grabbed his stuff to go to the most famous jewelry store in Los Angeles. He'll choose the most beautiful ring for Athena, and the most expensive among those he could only afford.

Bobby knocked Athena's door, coming to her for Christmas Eve. He didn't call earlier to notify her, assuming she'll be okay with his visit anyway.

When she heard knock at the door, Athena felt her heart started to race wildly and got ready to jump out of her chest. That might be HIM! She spent 4 long days and even longer nights, wondering if he's going to come to her for Christmas or not. There were no calls, no texts, nothing between them during these days. The thought of him not showing up made her feel terrible unbearable longing. She cried her eyes out at nights and was so scared that she has to realize it's the end of their relationship during the Christmas time. She couldn't imagine how she'll be holding on in front of kids and friends if he won't come. But he's coming! Finally! She could barely steady her breath. Good boy, he came almost an hour earlier then rest of guests suppose to appear, they'll have enough time to talk and to make out, she hoped.

"_Hi, glad you came. I wasn't sure."_

Athena caught Bobby's unimpressed glance and got scared of his state of mind. That glance… Like she said something really weird.

In fact Bobby did feel weird. That woman! She wasn't sure! How could she be not sure, that he'll come, while he spent 4 damn days thinking only about her non-stop? Okay, he decided to make his way inside the house.

"_I thought I scared you off. I really shouldn't have sprung that on you like that. I just, uh, I wasn't thinking"._

Bobby was sorry that Athena thought she has to apologize to him for her offer. It was actually HIM, who should apologize for reacting the way like if he was going to turn her down.

"_Well, you were feeling. – he said. - You were speaking from your heart, which is something that I love about you. Which brings me to this. Merry Christmas." – Bobby handed her a box with the gift. _

"_You don't want to wait till morning?"_

"_I don't want to wait another minute."_

"_Bobby!"_

"_You offered me a key. I don't want to take the next step. I want to take every step, with you, for the rest of our lives. Marry me, Athena."_

"_Bobby."_

"_I know it might feel sudden and fast, but we both know how life works."_

'_Yeah."_

"_Life is fleeting and it's precious, and when you find happiness and you find somebody who fills your heart, gives you hope for the future and faith in yourself, you have…"_

"_Bobby! Yes!"_

"_Yes?"_

"_Yes."_

"_You really said yes? It's a Christmas miracle."_

"_Just put the damn ring on my finger."_

"_Merry Christmas."_

"_Merry Christmas."_

They hugged and kissed almost chastely, like if they were afraid to let it get too wild.

"I missed you like crazy" said Athena and the little trail of tear sparked in the corners of her beautiful eyes.

"I missed you too, Love, I was thinking about you every second all these days." Answered Bobby – "Please, I can't be a reason for your tears, I'm not worth it, please…" pleaded Bobby while wiping carefully away her tears by his fingertips.

"You worth it, I was afraid you won't show up and it all ends" whispered Athena.

Bobby rolled his eyes and shook his head while trying not to sound resentfully.

"How could you even think that I'm able to act like such a jerk?"

"How could YOU think that I'm able to kick you out of house, because I fed-up of you one day?" objected Athena.

"You talked to Hen…" Bobby smirked confusedly.

"Yes… Why didn't you voice all your fears to me right away when I offered you to move in? I've almost got insane, thinking that you don't want to be with me anymore..." her eyes moistened again.

"I've spent almost every evening of last 3 months at your place. How could it be possible, that I don't want to be with you?" – replied Bobby softly, kissing Athena's wet face.

"You could meet some other woman... some young, beautiful, white woman, who's still able to give birth to your own kids…" Athena reasoned.

Bobby glared at her sadly, but patiently, like if she was a little silly girl, afraid of ghosts in the darkness.

"I don't want another woman, no matter her age or race is. You're more than beautiful for me. I can stare at your face forever. Sometimes I forget to listen what exactly you're saying, because I just love to watch how your facial expressions change and how your eyelashes are moving, and how your voice sounds… Not to say about the rest of your body below the face..." – he smiled dreamily. – "And I don't want more kids. I've had mine; I'll meet them again in heaven. I have yours and I love them genuinely like if they were my own. Stop thinking nonsense, I love you more than anything and if I want to be somewhere on Earth at all, it's beside you."

"Okay, so when will you move your stuff in here?" Athena asked quietly and rather sheepishly for her.

"I think it would be wise for me to move in after the wedding? It's like I'll have some sort of moral right for doing this… as your husband." Bobby sounded a bit uncertain.

Athena looked down sadly.

"So I won't be living with you until that ceremony. We don't even agree on a date yet… And with our hectic and unpredictable schedules, it will take us forever to get married…"

"I don't want this to take us forever. I do hope it will happen really soon. I mean, if we won't make it huge and crowded... only close friends and family, you know... And besides, your mother won't dare to kick my ass out there, referring that I'm no one for you and kids." Chuckled Bobby.

"That's the worst excuse you could only made up" Athena answered unimpressed. "My mother doesn't define who lives here with me and you know this. I will feel myself lonely before that wedding happen. You just don't want to move in and you search for excuses, confess it!" Athena's voice got higher and bitter.

"Noooo! Hell, Athena, no! Look at me, baby," – he put his hands on her shoulders and then cupped her face and turned her right to front of his eyes – "Do you really think I'm lying to you? Do you really think I'd buy a diamond ring, which cost me all my savings, just to turn you down eventually? Has it any sense for you? I may be old-fashioned and constrained and whatever you think I am, but I truly want you to be my family. "

"If so, I just can't understand what is the difference if you move in right now?"

"It's your house. You lived here for 15 years with your kids and Michael. It was all yours. Your space, your habits, your stuff. Now Michael left, but still this place is a bit of his. Maybe I'd love to do some re-pair here and there, so it will look more like _ours_… You saw my condo, there's nothing personal in it. I didn't want to bring myself into it. It was a place to sleep and to keep my clothes. I was like a ghost in it and I don't want to be a ghost anymore. And I don't feel like I have a right to intrude into your space with my personal trails before I am your husband. Being your boyfriend, I can stay only as a guest. Can you understand that?"

"To be honest, no... I don't understand it, but I respect your feelings, so... I don't want to push you whatsoever. At some sense maybe it will force me to arrange the wedding sooner rather than later… Is that a real reason why you doing this?" smiled Athena.

Bobby shook his head and tried to suppress a smile.

"No, not really. But now, when you assumed it, the whole thing feels even more reasonable for me. I love you, Athena. I want to do everything right, because you deserve the best. And I respect your past life too."

Athena narrowed her eyes at him and smiled.

"I love you, Bobby. But you have to know that I'm jealous and dangerous. If you won't move in right after the wedding, I will kill you by my own bare hands."

"Ohhh, a death caused by your bare hands is the best death I can hope for…" Bobby grinned.

"I'm being serious here, Bobby!"

"I know, I know... Did I ever make you think I can't hold my promises?"

"No... Not yet."

"So I promise you, I'll take all my suitcases and boxes to the wedding ceremony, so we won't miss a second and I'll move in right at once." Bobby said as he crossed his heart with his right hand before taking Athena's hand in it.

Silence fell for a minute as Athena traced her finger on the back of Bobby's hand. She looked up from their entwined fingers and smiled at him.

"You're teaser, I hate you. And I'm still mad at you so you should really think about something, which will make me more cheerful today."

With Athena's hand still clasped in his, Bobby brought it to his mouth and pressed his lips to the back of it.

"We still have 20 minutes before guests arrive… I guess I can offer you some apologizes in the bedroom…" His hands slipped gently around her waist as he tentatively moved his head closer and kissed her on the lips.


End file.
